


Heart of a Dragoon

by pantswarrior



Category: Final Fantasy IV
Genre: Action/Adventure, Childhood, F/M, First Love, Friendship, Jealousy, Non-Graphic Violence, Pre-Canon, Rivalry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-12-10
Updated: 2000-12-10
Packaged: 2017-10-29 15:17:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/321289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pantswarrior/pseuds/pantswarrior
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A prequel to Forgiveness, in which a young Kain Highwind learns what it means to grow up. Wedges are driven between friends, and innocence is lost.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heart of a Dragoon

The sun blazed brightly over the castle's courtyard, but the young man ignored the glare as he parried each of his opponent's blows with the haft of the spear he carried, then knocked his feet out from under him. Before he could raise the spear for the killing stroke, another man came at him from behind, grinning. Inside his heavy plate armor, the young man's turn was not quite so swift as it had been, but he managed to reverse the spear to strike the man's exposed chest. "Pity," the man muttered as he dropped to the ground.

Inside the helmet, the young man grinned, but didn't waste a second as two more soldiers hurtled at him from his left side. Leaping straight up into the air, he readied his spear for a downward stabbing blow, which he executed just as he landed behind the two. Once they'd fallen, however, several more surrounded him on every side.

Standing just outside the ropes designating the edge of the practice field, Baigan nodded in approval as he watched Kain dispatch everyone else in the melee. "Very impressive," the older man noted. Though the praise from the Captain pleased Kain, he could not spare a second to thank him, for the "wounded" soldier he'd knocked off his feet earlier was getting up. Kain caught the motion out of the corner of his eye and whirled, planting the padded point of his practice spear firmly in the center of the man's chest. The man grumbled, but fell, acknowledging the fatal blow.

Beneath the armor, Kain was sweating profusely, and grateful that the plate armor didn't show how heavily he was breathing as he drew himself up straight and turned to Baigan, only to see someone else standing behind the ropes near the Captain, having just arrived. As hard as his heart had been pounding from the exertion, it beat a bit faster at the sight of her, and he fought the urge to smile. He was late for a certain appointment, and she'd apparently been sent to look for him. _Soon enough_ , he said to himself. _This is more important. And she's here to share in it..._

"You've grown far stronger over the past year," Baigan continued, barely acknowledging the girl's presence. "And you're quite well-practiced with that spear... You strike as swiftly as an attacking dragon. Even in plate mail."

Kain noted the sly look in the man's eyes, and couldn't help it as a slight smile came across his lips. He knew what Baigan was really saying. "Then...?"

"I'll speak with the king about it," Baigan replied. "You understand, Kain, this is a highly unusual time for the kingdom, and your request is even more unusual. After seeing such a display, however, I can't very well ignore it."

Kain managed to nod calmly, though inside, he thought his heart might explode with joy. "I thank you for even considering it."

As the men Kain had dispatched began rising to leave, Baigan made his way through the crowd to speak with him. "I must say, I had my doubts about this," the Captain admitted. "Even in wartime, we've never allowed anyone younger than sixteen to fight with the Dragoons. In all honesty, we probably wouldn't consider it now if we weren't at war now. It's not that you're not a talented fighter - anyone present today wouldn't dare to say otherwise - it's about protocol. What matters is whether or not you've grown enough to truly act the part of a Dragoon. They are Baron's elite fighting force, and we cannot take the slightest risk of one of their number acting irresponsibly."

"I know." He could barely bite back the words he wanted to speak - _I would never disgrace my father in such a way_ \- but he knew they would sound like a childish boast. Not for the first time, he wondered if it was. Certainly he was no better a man than anyone else in Baron's military, and even his best friend often bested him in single combat.

Baigan nodded again, pleased. "Well then, I have other matters to attend to. His majesty and I will be reviewing our troops five days from now, and if there is some extra time, I will try to bring it up. If there is not, well, a time will come." Baigan smiled wryly. "Certainly before the war is over. Don't worry, Kain - there will still be plenty of Eblan's blood to shed."

"And I'll be honored to shed it for the Dragoons, Sir."

Baigan chuckled. "So solemn, Kain! Others your age would be jumping up and down with excitement at this prospect! Your friend there looks like she's about to."

Kain glanced over at her; she did. She'd heard enough of Baigan's words to know his hopes were about to be realized, and she was grinning widely, clasping her hands together in excitement. Kain couldn't stay completely stoic, seeing her so overjoyed, and he grinned back at her.

"Go on," Baigan urged, smiling at him. "You just may be a Dragoon before long, so enjoy the last few days of your childhood. You're dismissed, Highwind."

Rosa waited until Baigan had vanished, then ran to Kain's side, long blond hair flying behind her. "I can't believe it!" she exclaimed. "Kain, I'm so happy for you!"

"You can't believe it?" he teased her, removing his helmet. He could feel his hair was damp with sweat, and he shook his head in the welcome breeze. "Didn't you have any faith in me?"

She saw right through his teasing. "Well, not faith so much as good wishes," she said innocently.

"And against all odds, I've done it, right? Or as good as done it, anyway," he amended. "Well? Aren't you going to give me a congratulatory hug?"

She laughed. "Has your brain boiled inside that helmet? Why would I? Usually if I even try it, you flinch! I've never heard you say such a thing in your entire life."

"I've never been this happy in my entire life," he declared. True, a part of him recognized he'd never have mentioned any sign of affection in her presence without blushing, had Baigan's words not thrilled him to his soul, to the point he felt anything could happen and it would be all right. "So... What do you say?"

She feigned indecision. "Oh, I'd rather not. With that armor on, I'd feel as if I were embracing a pillar; and with it off, you're all sweaty."

"Hah!" Before she could protest, Kain put his arms around her and lifted her off her feet, spinning her as they laughed together. "That's right - and I'm going to be a sweaty Dragoon."

* * *

As Kain and Rosa had anticipated, they found their friend Cecil at the castle gate, waiting for them with the covered basket despite how late they were for their scheduled outing. He regarded them curiously as they approached. "You were gone so long, I was going to ask what was wrong," he commented. "But from the looks on your faces, I guess whatever kept you was something good, hmm?"

"Certainly was," Kain replied. Rosa started to speak, but he shook his head at her. "I'll tell you when we find our spot," he told Cecil. "C'mon, we're running behind!"

"Yes, I'm hungry!" Rosa chimed in as the three of them took off running towards the town outside the castle walls.

Kain had been primarily raised by his father, the captain of the agile warriors called Dragon Knights, or Dragoons. Having lost his mother while he was still in his infancy, he'd spent a fair amount of his childhood being watched over in the castle's nursery as his father travelled to distant, unfriendly lands. He'd met the orphaned Cecil early on in that nursery, as a child who also liked to play war. The two took to each other instantly, and were looked up to by the head nurse's daughter, Rosa. Before long, Kain found himself visiting the castle's playrooms even when his father was stationed at home, and the three grew inseparable. Rosa even took up archery so that she wouldn't be left out of the boys' military games, though her mother wasn't too happy about it. Her father, however, found it amusing. He was a soldier himself, and sometimes told the children tales about his work, the skirmishes he encountered while patrolling.

His own father's stories when he returned from his journeys fascinated Kain. The boy vowed early on that when he got older, he would be a Dragoon just like his father, who he fancied to be the best fighter in the world. Thus, he didn't believe it when word of his father's death reached Baron, when he was eleven years old. He refused to believe it, until the day they returned his armor. It would have devastated Kain, except for one thing his father had told him repeatedly when he'd spoken of being a Dragoon.

"It's not the only way to live," the man had told his son. "It may not be the best way for you. Being a Dragoon isn't all glory and shining armor - it means you have to be hard, tough... sometimes it means you have to see and do things you hate with all your heart, and never let on how it eats you up inside. You can never, ever, disgrace your fellows by showing vulnerability. You can't be a Dragoon just by wearing the armor; to be a true Dragoon, you must have honor and discipline. That is the heart of a Dragoon."

At the time, Kain hadn't understood what his father meant, but he was determined to live up to that perfect image. Though he had to bite back the tears at times, the pain of his father's death caused not a ripple in his outward demeanor. Not even to his two closest friends.

Life went on for the three of them, and rarely was one of them seen without at least one of the other two. Now Cecil was fourteen, Rosa was thirteen, and Kain had turned fifteen only a week ago. Since the war with Eblan had sent the best warriors away on ships to the forefront, Baron's local security was lacking. The two skilled young men had applied for positions in the town guard, and won them easily. Not that the guard had had much to worry about; an occasional pickpocket or hoodlum to throw out, that was about all that they had to deal with.

The town of Baron was peaceful as always, as the three friends made their way to their favorite place - the shady area beside the river that bubbled through the town. Kneeling to help Rosa spread out the sheet that was to be their tablecloth, Cecil turned to look up at Kain. "Okay, we're here. Now tell me. What's got you so excited?"

Kain forced himself to sit down beneath one of the bushes. "Well, I was practicing in the courtyard today, as usual, with some of the others. I'd just finished thoroughly trouncing Redrik and Orlege, when I noticed Baigan was standing by, watching."

"Huh? Baigan almost never watches casual practice bouts," Cecil began, then realization dawned on his face. "Wait a minute. You mean...?"

"Yes," Kain said with a proud nod. "He took my request seriously. But he said he had to test me first, to see just how good I was. Moreover, he needed to know if I could fight in full plate armor, rather than just those padded practice vests."

"Full plate?" Cecil gawked. "On a day as hot as today? After you'd already practiced some?"

Kain shrugged. "I'd been practicing in plate a little bit already, since I knew I would have to if I were to become a Dragoon. It was nothing."

"Nothing? You were sweating so much, you looked like you'd fallen in the watering troughs," Rosa put in, as she began to unpack their picnic lunch. Kain and Cecil each grabbed a plate and began filling it with the meal Rosa's mother had prepared. "Not only that, Baigan pitted him against probably a dozen men," she informed Cecil.

"And...?" Cecil prompted.

"I took down every one of them with my spear," Kain told him. "Every single one. Baigan seemed to be impressed."

"Seemed to be?" Rosa commented, raising her eyebrows at him. "He was most certainly impressed! I saw the look on his face when I came in."

Cecil grinned. "So...? What did he say after that?"

"He gave me the usual speech about how it's never been done before," Kain replied, grabbing an apple muffin. "But then he said he'd talk about it with the king."

"He sounded optimistic, too," Rosa added.

"Yes!" Cecil exclaimed. "Kain, that's great! A Dragoon, at fifteen years of age..."

"Well, it's not for certain yet," Kain admitted.

"Oh, please! The fact they're even considering it is incredible," Rosa admonished, pausing in her meal to smile brightly at him. "Don't shrug it off as nothing - this is very important. It speaks a great deal about your talent, whether they admit you or not. Think of it - the _king_ is being informed about you."

Kain stopped devouring his muffin for just a moment, taken aback by the sparkle in her eyes. She was very nice to look at, with those dark, laughing eyes, the rosy cheeks, and the flowing hair. The loose blouse she was wearing didn't completely hide the slight curves of her body, either. Kain blinked. She was beginning to look as if she were growing up, though she was almost two years younger. And he was becoming a Dragoon, maybe.

"What is it?" she asked, peering at him.

"Nothing much," he mumbled, his eyes returning to his meal. "I just started thinking about something."

"What?"

"Just..." He shrugged again. "I just realized, we're not children anymore. Not really."

"Oh, that's all?" she asked. "Everyone grows up at some point, Kain. But really, what's the difference in being a child or being grown up? We're still the same people."

"Adults have more responsibilities," he answered. "Children don't have to worry about anything, really. They get away with a lot more, whereas adults often can't let themselves make mistakes."

"There are some things children can't do, though," Rosa pointed out. "They wouldn't let a child join the Dragoons, for one thing... and I'm sure there's plenty of good things we don't even know about yet." She smiled at Cecil, who was busy eating his lunch. "Don't you think so?"

Cecil nodded and swallowed his mouthful of chicken. "I agree. Actually, I had some good news I wanted to tell you two today. Given what happened to you though, Kain, it doesn't seem quite as exciting as I thought it was a couple hours ago."

"So?" Rosa said. "If it's good news, it's good news. Go on, tell us!"

"Okay, well..." Cecil put down his plate. "Baigan talked to me earlier today too. Apparently, the king has decided to start up another military force. A few decades ago, Baron was training men to be what they called Dark Knights, everyone knows that story. An elite guard, kind of like the Dragoons, but more straight-forward, and with swords. The king wants to start training Dark Knights again."

"Strange," Kain commented. "We're not doing so poorly in this war with Eblan that Baron really needs another specific strike force, I don't think."

"So why did Baigan tell you this?" Rosa asked Cecil.

"The way to becoming a Dark Knight is supposedly very hard," Cecil replied, "and very few men can focus and attain the necessary skill." He averted his eyes self-consciously. "Baigan wants me to apply."

"What?" Rosa exclaimed. "You don't think that's big news? Cecil, that's great!"

"Yeah, maybe... apparently I'm the best with a sword among the new recruits, and he thinks I could do it. If I can, then I have a good shot at becoming a commanding officer."

"And Baigan practically offered it to you?" Rosa asked excitedly. "Wow, the two of you... both on the same day! Pretty soon you'll both be high-ranking soldiers, travelling the world and protecting Baron's honor, and I'll still be living at home with Mother and Father..."

"Oh, we'll come back and visit," Cecil teased her. "Right Kain? ...Kain?"

Kain had fallen silent at Cecil's news, thinking it over. He'd worked like a man possessed to try to become worthy of being accepted into the Dragoons, he'd had to practically beg his immediate commanding officer to let him speak to Baigan about it... And Baigan himself went to Cecil and simply _offered_ him a similar position?

"Yes," he answered Cecil blandly.

Rosa frowned. "What's the matter, Kain? You look upset all of a sudden. I was only kidding..."

"I know."

"What is it then?" she inquired. "Aren't you happy for Cecil?"

He shook his head. "It's nothing. A child's concern." That really was the only thing that could explain the way he felt, this senseless envy of his best friend. He'd have to put it aside, if he was to succeed in his goal of becoming a Dragoon. "And this proves we really _are_ no longer children," he added, as much for his own benefit as theirs.

* * *

 

The five days Baigan mentioned passed far too slowly for Kain's liking, and when they were over, there was still no word from the Captain. While passing through the castle halls the next day, Kain did catch a glimpse of him, but he appeared to be in a hurry, and only spared a nod and a smile for the anxious young man. That was enough, though. Baigan seemed to be offering a ray of hope, and Kain focused on that as he returned to his quarters and began to polish his father's armor. Though he was still young, he was tall enough that the armor was not unbearably large for him, or at least he suspected. He would not give in to his urges and try it on. If he did, he would seem little more than a child playing dress-up in his father's clothes. He would not wear the armor, not even once, until he'd earned the right to.

Another week passed with no word from Baigan. Cecil and Rosa asked him every day if there had been news, and every day he shook his head.

Cecil, on the other hand, had signed up as a candidate for the new Dark Knight division as Baigan had suggested, and was doing well in the rigorous tests they put him through. Many of the younger recruits were tossed out within the first few days, as well as some of the older ones, but Cecil excelled in his swordplay and endurance. Soon enough, he was one of the heads of the division despite his age, and was required to wear the black tunic befitting his station.

The jealousy Kain had felt before returned with even more bitterness, and to combat it, he suggested to Cecil that the two of them spar together in the afternoons. Cecil's sword was no match for Kain's spear, even though the two were just practice weapons, and Kain defeated him time and time again as Rosa watched. Cecil admitted defeat and laughed it off, and Kain tried to as well, but deep in his heart he felt a sense of satisfaction every time he struck a "fatal" blow to his friend. _I'm a better fighter than he is_ , he thought to himself. _If we were on opposite sides for real, I would kill him easily. So why is it that he is getting a ranking military position offered to him, while I have to wait and hope?_

Finally, one afternoon Cecil changed the practice bouts. "Can you use a sword this time?" he asked Kain.

"Why would I do that?"

"I'm no match for you when you have a spear," Cecil said with a grin. "That's obvious. You used to use a sword occasionally, though. You were very good at it."

"I only used the sword because we were children," Kain pointed out. "Harmless wooden swords are easy enough to come by, but a spear made of wood could be as deadly as one with a real head. You know I always preferred the Dragoons' weapon."

"Yes, but I'm tired of you killing me," Cecil commented. "Want to see if you can take me with more than one weapon?"

The words sounded like a challenge to Kain's envious mind, and he nodded grimly. "Fine, I will."

Once he'd gone through the practice swords, finding one that was a proper weight for him, he joined Cecil in the roped off area in the courtyard, the same place where he'd put on a fine show for Baigan only days before. The two young men faced each other, nodded, and dropped to their battle stances, watching each other's eyes for an indication of when the first move would be made.

Cecil's eyes were calm, if prepared, and Kain could see no hint of his friend's strategy there. That was odd... it must have been something they were teaching him in that Dark Knight division.

Since he couldn't tell, Kain made the first move, aiming a shot for his friend's left knee, but Cecil parried firmly and countered with a blow aimed for Kain's head. Kain brought his sword up just in time to block, unused to having something so short to work with. Cecil didn't stop there, and swung at Kain's torso, and their wooden swords met again with a sharp crack.

The two of them circled each other, moving back and forth through the clouds of dust they were kicking up as one of them advanced or retreated, but Cecil was the one doing all the attacking. Kain had his hands full simply defending against Cecil's quick blows, with no time for thoughts of offense.

After a few minutes of this stalemate, Cecil was breathing heavily, but his eyes were still calm, showing no signs of his intentions. Kain, on the other hand, was growing steadily more frustrated and angry. Finally he got fed up, and ignored Cecil's attacks as he swung a wild blow at Cecil's right arm. Wood met flesh with an unhealthy crunching sound, and Cecil gasped as his hand spasmed. It only threw him off for a second though, and he switched his sword to his left hand.

Now Kain had a distinct advantage, since he was left-handed anyway. The steady look in Cecil's eyes was gone as well; apparently the blow to his arm had shattered his concentration. Now his eyes were troubled, filled with pain. Kain spent no time pitying him, however, and lunged straight for Cecil's heart.

Cecil stepped aside, bashing his sword clumsily against Kain's as he passed, knocking him slightly off balance. Kain barely had time to bring it upright again before Cecil struck down at him, his sword stopping Cecil's just before it struck his head. Cecil wasted no time and swung his sword back around for a low blow, knocking Kain off his feet. In under a second, the blunt tip was pointed at Kain's throat.

Around the edges of the courtyard, a few cheers arose from the other men who had stopped practicing to watch the match. Some wore the black tunic like Cecil's, indicating they were Dark Knights in training. Of course they would cheer him on, Kain thought, disgusted with his loss. His eyes widened in disbelief as he saw a man in a red coat watching from behind the ropes.

Baigan. Today, of all days. The one day he lost.

Cecil dropped the practice sword in the dust next to Kain and clutched his injured arm as Rosa rushed to his side. "I heard that crunch from the sidelines," she said nervously. "Oh, are you all right?"

"I think it's fractured," Cecil replied, wincing.

"I'll go get a white wizard," Rosa said, running off without so much as a word for Kain.

Cecil, however, smiled bravely at his friend, and offered him his good hand. "It's been a long time since I had an even bout like that," he said. "Thanks for indulging me."

Kain waved his hand away and stood up on his own. "Sorry about your arm," he muttered.

"These things happen sometimes, don't worry about it," Cecil assured him. "It'll be fine as soon as Rosa gets back."

"Kain, Cecil." They turned to see Baigan striding towards them, through the dust stirred up by their fight. "That was quite a match," the man commented. "I've not seen a match as close as that for ages - at least not between two well-trained warriors. You both did splendidly, and I must congratulate you, Cecil, on your victory."

"Thank you, Captain," Cecil said with a salute. Kain nodded dully.

"Baron is fortunate to have two such skilled fighters on our side," Baigan continued. "Which, by the way, is why I'm here today. Kain, come with me to the War Room, will you?"

Kain froze. "Uh... yes, of course." Could it be...?

A broad smile came across Cecil's face as he came to the same conclusion. "Good luck," he whispered as Kain passed, heading after Baigan.

On their way back into the castle halls, they were nearly run down by Rosa and the white wizard she'd found, but Kain didn't care. All thoughts of the recent fight completely vanished from his mind, replaced by a single thought.  
 __

 _I'm going to be a Dragoon._

* * *

Upon reaching the War Room, Baigan closed the door and went to sit behind his desk, in front of the case filled with scrolls of the military records from the last few centuries. The War Room was what the cadets had nicknamed this hall, which served as the unofficial headquarters of Baron's military, and Baigan found it amusing. The name stuck.

Kain remained standing, since he was in the presence of a superior officer, until Baigan motioned for him to sit. "At ease, Highwind. This may be business, but I'm not giving you orders. Have a seat."

Kain did so, and fought the urge to lean forward in anticipation. As a Dragoon, he would have to be stoic, not eager. He wasn't going to chance coming off as unsuitable, even now, after the decision had most likely been made. For if it had... he was already a Dragoon.

Baigan, for his part, was being equally as stoic. "Well, Kain, the king and I discussed it for a long while. Both of us had our doubts, naturally, and you're an intelligent fellow, I'm sure you know why."

Kain considered his words. _Fellow._ Not "lad", but not "man" either. That could be good or bad.

Baigan rested his hands upon the table. "So... I'm not going to beat around the bush." Kain looked up at him hopefully, in spite of himself, and his heart fell when he saw it in Baigan's eyes. "I'm sorry, Kain, but the king and I came to the agreement that you'll have to wait a year before you join - and that's if the war lasts that long."

Kain was utterly stunned, to the point he was not even upset. He just barely managed to nod quickly, after a moment's hesitation.

Baigan's eyes did genuinely look apologetic. "I know this meant a lot to you, but rules are rules. Not to mention, you've done marvelously in practice bouts, but you've never known true battle. You understand, don't you?"

Kain nodded quickly again, as it began to sink in. He was not a Dragoon. If the war was over in a year, he wouldn't get the chance for three more years. Cecil would be rising in rank as a Dark Knight, while he languished in the town guard for another three long years... three years of kicking pickpockets out of the town, and discouraging loiterers. His hands, beneath the table, began to shake in frustration. Three more years during which he would be unable to wear his father's armor.

"I'm glad," Baigan said, noticeably relieved. "I was afraid you might be too upset to consider an alternative that the king and I discussed."

Kain looked up at him in surprise, the slightest glimmer of hope returning to him. Could it be this had been a test, to see if he had the necessary control over his emotions? Baigan wasn't known for subtle tricks, but you never knew...

"As you know, the king has been reviewing young men to become Dark Knights. One of the young men who appears most promising is your friend Cecil."

"Yes..." As if he didn't already know that, Kain thought bitterly. What did this have to do with him?

"He's told me you're very handy with a sword, almost as much so as your spears," Baigan continued smoothly. "I saw you today, of course, and confirmed it for myself. The way you went for his sword hand when you decided you were outclassed... that was marvelous. You seem to have a strong instinct for battle, whatever weapon you choose. Perhaps if you concentrated more on your swordfighting, your skill would surpass your current talents with the spear."

"Why would I do that?" Kain asked, confused. "A spear is a Dragoon's weapon. I will be a Dragoon someday, so why concentrate on another weapon?"

"Well, the king and I were thinking, you obviously care very much about Baron's welfare. I saw that when I spoke to you before." He leaned forward, almost as if his words were a secret. "What if you were to fight alongside your friend, to defend Baron's honor as a Dark Knight?"

Kain's heart clenched painfully again. To become a Dark Knight, he'd have to swear allegiance to that training, give up his dream of being a Dragoon. "Thank you for the offer," he said, surprised his voice remained level, "but if I did that, I would never wear my father's armor. I am the son of a Dragoon, and I will be one myself someday, even if I have to wait a year... even if I have to wait twenty."

Baigan looked a bit disappointed. "I understand, Kain. I wish it were otherwise, but I do understand. For the time being, you will be in my command as one of the Royal Guard, until you're eligible for candidacy. Unless, of course, you change your mind about joining the quest to become a Dark Knight."

"I won't." That was one thing Kain was sure of.

"All right..." Baigan finished, standing. Kain stood as well, seeing as he was now in the presence of his commanding officer, regardless of what the Captain had said earlier. "There's nothing more to discuss, then. You're dismissed, Kain. And... let me reiterate, I'm truly sorry things turned out as they did. I did all I could," he added as Kain turned to leave.

"I know. Thank you," Kain told him, closing the door behind him.

As soon as the door closed, Kain sagged back against the wall. All that effort at being hard and stoic, like a Dragoon should be, all those hours spent training, pushing himself to the limit of endurance, all for this singular purpose... and again, he'd have to wait. Sure, he'd been promoted to the Royal Guard, but there was little difference in his duties. The Royal Guard never saw any excitement, they just lined the halls at public functions, and stood outside the king's bedchamber at night.

His head was suddenly pounding, and he clutched it in agony as everything around him seemed to cloud over. A sudden feeling of claustrophobia engulfed him, and he started for the castle's gate. Fresh air would clear his head...

Before he got very far, he nearly bumped into someone, stumbling aside at the last moment. "Kain?" a voice asked, and he looked up to see Cecil standing before him, wearing his black tunic. "What did Baigan..." The smile on his face faded away as he got a look at his friend. Cecil bit his lip. "I take it you weren't accepted."

"No," Kain managed to say.

Cecil shook his head. "Ah, Kain... I'm sorry... What can I say?"

Something clicked in the back of Kain's mind all of a sudden, and he peered suspiciously at Cecil. "Why did you tell Baigan I was as good with a sword as a spear?"

Cecil did a double take. "Huh? I said that because you are."

"Of course. And I suppose it was just a coincidence that you chose to have us fight with swords today, just when Baigan appeared?" Kain glared at his friend. "You knew he was going to reject me, didn't you?"

"What?" Cecil exclaimed. "That's ridiculous! Why would he tell me before he told you?"

"Why don't you tell me?"

Cecil stared at his friend in disbelief. "You can't be serious."

"Answer me," Kain growled. "Why?"

Cecil sighed in frustration. "I didn't know, I swear it. I told Baigan that because I figured there was a chance you'd be turned down, and I wanted to put in an extra good word in for you. I hoped it would help them decide in your favor. I asked you to fight with a sword today because I was tired of having no chance. With a spear, you beat me every time. That's all. I didn't know Baigan was going to choose today to show up."

"If I become a Dark Knight," Kain muttered angrily, "I can never be a Dragoon. I'll never wear my father's armor."

"I didn't mean you should become a Dark Knight," Cecil explained. "I understand about your father-"

Kain clutched at his head again, as it resumed its pounding. "Oh, shut up," Kain spat viciously. "You understand nothing. Nothing at all! I thought... I thought..."

"I know what you thought," Cecil said softly, reaching out to lay a comforting hand on his shoulder. Kain shoved it away, as his vision began to cloud over again.

"Leave me alone!"

With that outburst, Kain brushed past his friend, running once more for the castle gates, past the guards, and then out into the thick surrounding forests. Heedless of where he was going, he pushed his way through the brush, tearing apart the bushes that got in his path. He ran until his sides were heaving, and his legs ached, and then he let himself fall to his knees.

Gasping for breath, he began trying to pull himself together. It wasn't the end, he told himself. Another year, at the most three, and he would be wearing that armor. He _would_ wear it. He _would_ be worthy.

But he wondered... if his reaction to this rejection was any indication, he wasn't worthy yet. If he'd been accepted, he might have shamed them with this kind of behavior. He might have shamed his father's memory.

Suddenly Kain felt incredibly childish. He'd tried for something long before he had any hope of success, then complained when he failed. He'd acted like a spoiled brat.

He lowered his head in despair. Perhaps it was only fitting that he'd failed.

* * *

 

In the weeks following the meeting with Baigan, Kain found it easy enough to avoid Cecil. When deciding on a schedule of his duties, he simply asked Baigan if he could take a night shift. Baigan was surprised, but pleased. No one ever wanted the night shift, so by all means, if that's what Kain preferred...

And so Kain found himself doing exactly what he'd expected to do as a Royal Guard: pacing the dim hallway outside the king's chamber during the darkest, most lonely part of the night. There were more guards situated throughout the castle who would come to his aid if necessary, and most likely would apprehend any would-be assassin long before he got close to the king's chamber, so Kain's shift was a solitary one.

It suited him well. He was the youngest of the Royal Guard by four years, and he could sense their dubious eyes on him at times. Certainly he had no friends among the guard, and the two he had elsewhere were in bed when he got off his shift, an hour or so before dawn. He spent most of the rest of his time in the courtyard, practicing, or alone in his quarters, looking up at the mountains in the distance.  
 __

 _If only I could go there... If only everyone would leave me alone..._

Both he and Cecil had both been given rooms within the castle walls now, but since Cecil was always training with the Dark Knights, Kain never saw him. What he heard came from Rosa, when she stopped by occasionally, in the early hours of the morning just before he went to bed. He couldn't bring himself to send her away, and so he listened halfheartedly as she told him what was happening.

More and more men were crumbling under the heavy training involved in becoming a Dark Knight, and Cecil was one of only a dozen who still held up to their strict standards. Baigan was very proud. There was word that a ship had come in the night, and now some of Eblan's ninjas were prowling the forests at Baron's southern border. The king had called for more security around the town and castle, so Rosa's father was working long hours. Baigan had decided to send the Dark Knight cadets out to hunt the ninjas, and so Cecil had left.  
 __

 _Cecil, Cecil, Cecil._ Kain grew more and more bitter each time she spoke of his accomplishments. He wanted to tell her to stop it, but for some reason, he didn't. It contented him just to watch her talk about whatever was on her mind, whether it was an uncomfortable subject or not.

And so she brought more news of Cecil's deeds as a Dark Knight in training. He'd returned to the castle with only four other cadets. Apparently they'd split into two groups and were combing the forest in tandem, when Cecil's half came upon a band of three ninjas. One of the cadets had fallen almost immediately to an enemy katana. The others had disposed of the ninjas quickly enough, and they'd returned to the castle with their friend's body while the other half remained in the forest, searching for more. It was unlikely they'd find any though, Rosa said. Baronian citizens knew the forests far better than anyone from another land would, especially a land like Eblan, which was almost all plains and mountains. Her opinion was shared by the king, who hailed Cecil and the others as heroes.

Kain's mood grew darker. He'd also heard word of the Dragoons' efforts overseas, and they were gaining the upper hand as well. Kain could have been a hero as well, fighting at their side, but no - he stood in hallways, watching for some unlikely assassin who might somehow find his way that far.

A few nights after that, he was pacing the hallway in his ceremonial cloak and armor, designed more for show than for defense, when he heard hesitant footsteps approaching in an adjacent corridor. He narrowed his eyes. No one was posted there, so it was either someone sleepwalking, or...

Gripping his spear, he planted himself firmly in front of the doorway to the king's room, watching the end of the hallway intently. Silohuetted against the faint torchlight, someone leaned around the corner, looking for something, then tentatively stepped out into the open and started towards him. "Kain?" a voice asked softly.

"Cecil?" The voice sounded different somehow, and dressed all in black as the person was, it was hard to make out any details. But even in the half-light, the torchlight gleamed off pale hair that no one else in Baron had possessed. "I'm on duty," Kain reminded him coldly. "And shouldn't you be asleep?"

Cecil nodded. "But I couldn't."

As he came closer, Kain could see his face more clearly, and what he saw was disturbing. Not the gash across his chin, presumably from the battle with the ninjas, but the hollowness of his cheeks, and the haunted look in his eyes. Kain had been about to tell his friend to leave him alone, but now he felt a twinge of guilt. Something was very wrong. "Why not?" he asked.

Cecil sighed wearily. "I can't sleep, I can't eat," he mumbled. "Ever since that fight... Rosa said she told you about that... they're calling us heroes..."

Kain's bitterness surged up again. "Isn't that terrible for you. You're a hero. No wonder you look so upset."

"I'm no hero," Cecil told him. "I'm no hero at all."

"What do you mean? The king calls you a hero - how can you think otherwise? Isn't his word good enough for you?"

Kain regretted the harsh words almost as soon as he'd said them, for Cecil looked as if he were about to cry. "Kain, please..." he whispered.

Kain hesitated. "Fine... what is it?"

Cecil averted his eyes nervously. "Kain, I killed a man out there. I looked in his eyes and then ran a sword through his neck..."

"That's all?" Kain was taken aback. "Cecil, that's what happens in battle. What were you expecting?"

"I don't know what I was expecting, but not..." Cecil's voice gave out, and he coughed slightly before continuing. "He was a man only a couple of years older than I am, I suppose. Barely a man at all. None of them were much older than we are."

"But we're old enough to go out and fight," Kain pointed out.

"That's not the point," Cecil replied. "The point is, he was a man not too different from me... he had a life, and I took it away. I know I did the right thing - I mean, he killed Tirre. He would have killed me."

"Then what's the problem?"

"It's just... His blood was on my blade, it got on my hands, and my clothes..." Cecil swallowed hard before finishing. "The other cadets, they're all older than me, they've been soldiers for a few years. They'd fought in real battles before, and they just wiped off the blood and clapped each other on the back, said it was 'a job well done'... They didn't even seem to care we'd just taken the lives of three men just like us."

"I still don't see what bothers you about it," Kain told him. "You think those ninjas would have mourned killing you? They were the enemy, they killed one of your men. You would have failed in your duty had you not killed them."

"I know, I know," Cecil said miserably. "But you can't know either. You've never killed anything more than an imp. Neither had I, until four days ago. Killing a man... it's completely different. You see yourself in his eyes, Kain."

The conversation was growing a bit too depressing for Kain's liking, and he wanted it to end as soon as possible. "Cecil, what are you looking for? Redemption? Forgiveness?"

"No," he replied softly. "I just... wanted to talk. To someone who wouldn't laugh at me for saying that it makes me sick. I don't know if I could do it again. I'm on the verge of dropping out of this whole thing..."

"And waste all those years we spent in training?" Kain asked him. "Think of the kingdom - we're in a war, Baron needs you. And what would you do if you weren't a soldier?"

"I don't know," Cecil admitted. "But whatever I did, it wouldn't make me feel as terrible as this."

Kain sighed. "Maybe it won't always be like that," he suggested. "Naturally the first time will be hard, but I've heard people say you get used to it after a while."

Cecil shuddered. "I hope not. As bad as I feel about this, I think it would be worse by far if it didn't bother me at all. It's a terrible thing to kill. What kind of person would I be if I didn't hate it?"

Kain had no answer for that, and it vaguely troubled him. "I don't know what I can say," he said finally.

Cecil reached out and put a hand on his shoulder. "You don't need to say anything," he assured Kain with a faint smile. "I just needed to talk. You know, Kain, I haven't seen you hardly at all since you got promoted. It's been a long time, and I missed you. Rosa's missed you too."

Kain shrugged, feeling some of the bitterness slide away. They'd been close once. "Yes. She comes to see me sometimes though, you know that."

"The three of us never get to do anything together, though," Cecil pointed out. "When you're off duty, I'm training. When I'm done training, you're asleep. When you wake up, it's time for your shift again."

"I know," Kain muttered. "Sorry."

"It's not really your fault," Cecil commented. Actually it was, Kain knew that, but he didn't say it. "It's this schedule Baigan put you on... By the way, I wanted to ask you, what's it like being a Royal Guard?"

Kain looked at his friend in surprise, and found him looking a bit more like his old self. "To be honest? It's boring," he told him, somewhat relieved. "All we really do is stand around and look tough."

The two of them talked for awhile longer, until Kain's shift was almost over and they feared they might get caught. After he'd gone, Kain went back to pacing the hallway, but a bit less miserably. Talking with Cecil had melted most of his bitterness away, and reminded him of how it used to be. Soon, he vowed, he'd make time to get together with Cecil and Rosa again. Though he hadn't realized it until that point, he missed them too.

* * *

During the days following Cecil's talk with Kain, Kain began to make the effort to visit his friends more often. He continued on the night watch - he wasn't about to tell Baigan that he'd changed his mind - but stopped hiding away in his quarters during his time off. Instead, he went into town. At first it was just for the lunchtime meetings with Cecil and Rosa, but then he began going there after his shift at well. Walking along the stream in the stillness before dawn seemed to ease his mind. He had plenty to think about, what with Cecil's recent confession, but he'd thought them all over from every angle. He had yet to come up with a definite answer.

His friend Cecil was completely different from him, in ways he'd never realized. Even though everyone saw him as a hero, Cecil saw himself as little more than a murderer. Kain couldn't comprehend why. Cecil had never been one to brood... in fact, he used to tease Kain when a dark mood would overtake him.

Not that it was obvious that there was anything wrong with Cecil. Rosa seemed to treat him the same way she always did, smiling and laughing, and he responded in kind. Every time Kain looked at his friend, though, he saw the guilt hidden just below the surface. He hoped it was his imagination, but he suspected it wasn't.

It was painful for Kain to see Cecil that way. On the surface, he acted like the same person he'd been before, the child Kain had played with when they were younger, but Kain knew there was a difference. Cecil had grown up.

Kain had grown up some himself, he figured. But how soon would it be for Rosa?

There was no doubt in his mind now that Rosa was still the same little girl that had looked up to the two of them in those days back in the nursery, despite what he had said a few weeks before. Her innocence showed in her smile, and in her eyes. It showed in the way she thanked him when he walked her to the hall of learning some mornings, before he went back to the castle to sleep.

Kain enjoyed seeing that. In the face of her goodness, his problems seemed to shrink into insignificance. She was not haunted like Cecil had become, or tainted by jealousy as Kain himself was; she was sweet and good, and she felt safe with him. She smiled at him. She thought of him as a friend despite his dark moods. She was perfectly innocent, and she liked him. Kain wished with all his heart that nothing would make her grow up in such a painful way as Cecil had. He didn't want that to change.

It wasn't long, though, before he learned his wishing had been in vain.

In the weeks after Cecil and his band had returned to Castle Baron as heroes, they rejoined the other Dark Knight cadets on their search of the forests, but a month went by with no more sightings of Eblan's ninjas. Finally the king called off the search, though the battles overseas were still raging. In Baron, the days were getting shorter, and the nights colder. If they hadn't found any more ninjas by this time, it was likely none were still out there. Surely they couldn't hide for weeks in an unfamiliar land, with native troops combing the area for them. The search was abandoned, though the local patrols still went a bit further out from the perimeter of the city than they would have done in a more peaceful day.

Kain was awakened one morning after only an hour or so of sleep. There were shouts coming from the direction of the sickroom, and he quickly threw some clothes on so he could go find out what was wrong. When he arrived, he was greeted with a grisly sight. White wizards were frantically tending to three soldiers who were covered in blood and crying out in pain as other soldiers carried makeshift litters to the beds. Most of those carrying the litters were wincing in pain as well, some even limping or clutching a wound in their side. Other soldiers who had probably been relaxing in their quarters only moments ago rushed to take their burdens from them, and the wounded men accepted their aid gratefully.

Kain hurried to take up a corner of one of the litters, relieving a soldier who was limping horribly, bleeding from a deep gash in his thigh. "What happened?" Kain asked him. "Are we under attack?"

"Not any more," the man gasped painfully. "We fought them off... got most of those blasted ninjas. The rest turned tail and ran."

"Ninjas?" Kain exclaimed.

The man nodded, pride seeping through his pain and exhaustion. "We were all out at the furthest watchpoint on our patrol, when they just jumped up from the brush. They'd apparently been watching our patterns for awhile, and they'd laid an ambush. About eight or nine of them, I'd say. And we got all but four, and those four are on the run now. Not bad, for ten of us."

Kain glanced around, but saw only seven wounded soldiers among the flashes of white magic energy. "Casualties?"

"They got three of us," the man admitted. "Not without a good fight though. The south patrol can't be stopped easily, even by the fabled ninjas of Eblan."

Kain's heart froze in his chest. "You're the south patrol?"

"Yes sir," the man said wearily, sinking down on one of the beds under the direction of a white wizard.

Kain took another look around the room just in case, but he didn't see the man he was expecting to see. "Where is Josef Farrell?"

"He's one of the three, I'm sorry to say," the man muttered. "He was a good man, I counted him as a friend... he took a bad gash in the neck, bled to death before we could get him back to town. But not before he told me to tell his wife and daughter he loved them..."

Kain stared at the man in a daze. This simply could not be happening.

"You know his daughter Rosa?" the man asked. "She's a bit younger than you, a lovely girl..."

Kain couldn't wait for the man to finish. His heart pounding in his throat, he headed out of the castle and into town.

* * *

 

 _I don't have to be the one to tell her._

The sound of sobbing from inside the house filled Kain with a feeling of relief. He was ashamed of it, but the entire way to Rosa's house, he had been desperately wishing he didn't have to be the one to tell her that her father was dead.

Someone else had gotten there first. He could hear a deep voice behind the door, and someone crying... Rosa's mother, almost certainly.

But Rosa... Where was Rosa?

As concerned as he was, Kain paused as he was about to knock. He remembered vividly the day his own father's death had been reported to him. That day hadn't been so terrible - there was no evidence, so he could deny it. But when his father's armor was returned to him...  
 __

 _"There you are..." Cecil said, out of breath but sounding relieved. "Why'd you run off like that?"  
_

 _Kain didn't look up from the helmet he held in his hands as he sat beneath the bushes. "I wanted to be alone."  
_

 _"Kain..." Rosa caught up then, panting and leaning over, trying to get her breath back. "You don't have to be."  
_

 _"I want to be."  
_

 _Out of the corner of his eye, he could see his friends glance at each other. "I'm so sorry this happened," Rosa told him, and Cecil nodded.  
_

 _"It's not your fault."  
_

 _Cecil looked at him curiously. "That's not what she meant. You know that."  
_

 _"Yeah. Would you go now?"  
_

 _"Kain, we're your friends." Rosa knelt down beside him, trying to make eye contact, but he turned his head.  
_

 _"Then why don't you listen to me? Go away."  
_

 _"We just want to help..."  
_

 _"You can't. Go away."_

But as many times as he told them that, they still didn't believe him. And so he'd ended up sitting there with the two of them for an hour or so, blocking the sounds of their voices out of his head as they tried to comfort him. They could do him no good; they couldn't understand the way he felt.

But now, Kain understood how Rosa must be feeling. He couldn't subject her to the unwanted attention she and Cecil had forced on him years ago.

Just as he'd turned to leave, the door opened. "Kain!" Rosa's mother exclaimed. He turned to see her standing in the doorway with a grim-looking messenger. Her eyes were all red. It had been her he'd heard crying. It was eerie enough seeing an adult cry, but an adult who had once wiped away his own tears when he was a child?

"Mrs. Farrell... I'm sorry..." he muttered. "I shouldn't disturb you at a time like-"

She'd turned away from him though, and called back into the house with a shaky voice. "Rosa, Kain's come to see you."

Kain shook his head, but before he could say anything, Rosa's mother was ushering him in. "I'm so glad you've come, Kain - I have to go take care of some things at the castle, but I didn't want to leave Rosa alone... she said she'd be all right, but I just thought... oh, this can't be happening," she said, holding her head in her hands. "You'll stay with her, won't you?"

Kain nodded helplessly. "If she wants me to..."

"She's back in her room," Mrs. Farrell told him, hurrying out the door. "I'll be back in a few hours... Kain, thank you for being her friend."

Kain sighed as the door closed behind her, but then a sniffling noise behind him made him turn his head. Rosa was standing there, pale and unsteady, a handkerchief clutched in one hand. "You came..." she whispered.

He nodded. "You'd probably rather be alone now, right?" he said, turning back to the door. He'd told her mother he'd stay only if she wanted him to, and why would she want him to? "It's okay, I understand."

"No! Kain..." She grabbed hold of his hand quickly, before he could reach for the door's latch. "Please, stay with me."

He looked back at her, and caught his breath suddenly. Her dark blue eyes were glistening, and her hand was shaking. "Stay with me," she repeated tearfully.

He nodded again. "If you want."

She paused, glancing around the room, as if searching for something. "I was in school," she continued shakily. "We'd just started math... and the messenger came... he pulled me out of class and told me to come home..."

Kain had no idea what to say, and so he remained silent, just letting her hold his hand and talk. She was still dressed for school, he noticed. The long grey skirt and pink blouse wouldn't have been something she'd have worn out in the forests with Cecil and himself. He didn't often see her dressed so nicely, with her hair down around her face like that.

Her eyes continued to wander the room. "Mama was... crying... when I got here..." she murmured. Finally, her eyes met his, as they began to overflow. "Kain, he's never coming home... I'm never going to call him my Papa again... He'll never call me his little flower..."  
 __

 _She's beautiful._

The thought hit Kain like a sword blow in the gut, and his eyes widened. Of all the times to realize such a thing... but she was. He knew from the times they'd spent together hunting in the woods that she was strong, and yet the cut of her skirt emphasized her slender waist. Her eyes were dark in her pale face, framed by her golden hair, and shimmering with tears. Deep within them, Kain could see the innocence he treasured so much, and despite the tragedy, it remained. It was at the heart of who she was.

He loved that innocence. He loved _her_.

"How could someone kill my Papa, Kain?" she asked him, tears rolling down her cheeks. "How could anyone do such a thing?"

Kain's heart was suddenly filled with outrage. How _could_ anyone do this? How dare anyone do anything that hurt Rosa?

She was looking up into his face, her eyes pleading for an answer. Staring back into them, Kain began to feel things he'd never felt before, things he couldn't identify. A strange sort of gentleness, mingled with violence. He would have done anything to make her feel better, and at the same time, he wanted nothing more than vengeance, to vent his outrage...  
 __

 _It's Rosa. She's perfect, she's beautiful... and I'm full of violence._ Suddenly she reached for him, as if she might embrace him. Startled, Kain took a step backwards, out of her reach, and she stared at him in confusion.

"Rosa..." Kain's heart was pounding as he saw in his mind a compelling picture of himself in her arms. As much as he longed for it, he couldn't allow it. He didn't deserve it. He'd done nothing for her in his entire life, and she'd given him so much, without even knowing it. There was no way he could repay her for that, was there?

Her tear-stained cheeks colored faintly as she let go of his hand. "I'm sorry... I... I forgot you didn't like that. I'm so selfish..."

"No!" he said quickly. "No... Rosa..." _I'm the one who's selfish. Your father just died, and all I can think about is how much I want to take you in my arms and touch your face and..._

He took a deep breath, summoning up all the will he had to lock away the emotions that were flooding his mind. He had to be strong, if he was to become worthy. "Rosa, I have to do something for you."

She shook her head. "You're my friend, you don't have to do anything..."

"No, I do," he insisted, "really I do. Trust me." The answer came to him all of a sudden, and he smiled grimly. "I'm going to avenge your father."

Shock won out over the grief and confusion on her face, and her sobs stopped abruptly. "You can't!"

He nodded. "I can, and I will. I vow it to you."

"Kain, you don't have to," she protested. "They're trained ninjas - you can't possibly think you could-"

He ignored her protests. "I swear it, on my father's armor and my hope of becoming a Dragoon - your father's murderers will not live to see another sunrise," he finished firmly.

Her face went dead white again as she heard the words spoken. She may have been innocent enough not to see all the violence within him, Kain thought, but she knew him well enough to know that this vow was one that could not be broken. "Why are you doing this?" she whispered as the tears began to roll down her cheeks again.

"Because I have to."

She started to say something else, but was cut off by the sound of the door opening. The two of them turned to see Cecil rush in, and go to Rosa's side, enfolding her in his arms. She clung to him, crying, as Kain looked on. Cecil could do that, unlike him. He could comfort such a perfect creature as Rosa without feeling awkward or thinking selfish thoughts. "Rosa, I'm so sorry," Cecil murmured to her.

Kain stood there for a few moments, feeling the jealousy build inside him again until he could barely stand it. Cecil would hold her for a time, but he would do something more, he reminded himself as he headed for the door. Something that would last forever.

"Kain, no!" Rosa's cry halted him just as his hand touched the latch, but he shook his head and opened it. "Cecil, stop him! He's going to get himself killed!"

"What?" Cecil exclaimed from behind him. Just as Kain began to pull the door open, Cecil was suddenly standing in his way, holding the door shut. "Rosa, what do you mean? Where are you going?" he asked Kain.

"I made a vow to avenge her father," he replied coldly. "You will not stop me, if you have any sense of honor."

Cecil shook his head. "Kain, are you insane? You can't take out four ninjas all by yourself... or is someone going with you?"

Kain bristled. How dare Cecil try to interfere with the one thing he could do to make himself worthy of Rosa? "I go alone."

"That's foolish," Cecil told him. "She's right, you'll just get yourself killed. Sure, you're good, but not _that_ good."

"We'll see, won't we?" Kain remarked. "Step away from the door."

Rosa was crying even harder, and Cecil glanced back at her before glaring at Kain. "Look what you're doing to her! Isn't it enough that her father was just killed? Do you think she really needs another death to mourn today?"

"I have no intention of dying," Kain replied.

"Well, intentions don't always determine the outcome," Cecil retorted.

"So you'd rather her father's death went unpunished?" Kain shot back.

Cecil threw up his hands in frustration. "No! But taking on four ninjas by yourself is suicide! And you, you've never even killed anyone before - you think you can handle it?"

"Yes."

Cecil sighed. "Kain... if you're so set on doing this, at least let me go with you. Then we could each take out two, that would be possible-"

"I go alone," Kain repeated. "Besides, I wouldn't want it on your conscience if you had to kill again," he added in a lower voice. "I'll do it myself."

"And what about your conscience?"

"I have no moral dilemmas when it comes to those who have hurt Rosa. Stand aside, Cecil."

"Kain," Cecil started, but Kain yanked the door open despite Cecil's attempt to hold it closed.

He glanced back at Rosa, who was staring at them fearfully, weeping. "Don't worry, Rosa. I'll be fine. Cecil, take care of her, and I'll be back soon."

As he left, he heard Cecil take a step outside after him, but when he glanced back, he saw Rosa throw her arms around Cecil's shoulders, crying. Cecil wasn't going anywhere.

And why should he, Kain wondered - Rosa was with him. The jealousy flared up again briefly, but he pushed it aside. Cecil might be the one to comfort her now, but Kain would be the one to set things right. It was something he could do that Cecil couldn't - cold vengeance. She would respect him for that, and soon enough, it would be his turn to hold her.

* * *

 

No one questioned Kain as he strode through the castle halls, busy as they were with the aftermath of the Eblani ambush. As luck would have it, he happened across Giles, one of the other recently promoted Royal Guard, on his way to his quarters. "Are you scheduled for duty today?" Kain inquired, loathing the need to ask. Giles was one of those who didn't bother to hide their disdain that he should be appointed to the Royal Guard so young.

Even so, the grim look on Kain's face seemed to make the older boy uneasy. "No... no, I'm not," he answered seriously. "Why?"

"Something came up," Kain told him. "I may not be able to make my shift tonight. I should be able to, but just in case, would you mind filling in?"

Giles shrugged. "Certainly. What's the problem, if you don't mind my asking? They're bound to ask if I show up in your place."

Kain was surprised that Giles wasn't patronizing him for a change, and relaxed a little. "The daughter of one of the men killed today is a close friend of mine," he said. Maybe Giles wasn't so bad after all. "I want to see what I can do for her."

Giles smiled slightly. "I'd never have pegged you as the type to moon over a girl," he commented. "But then again, aren't all boys of your age?"

Kain gave him a dangerous look before he continued on his way.

Once he was in his quarters, Kain took up his spear, and wondered if he should wear armor. His eyes went longingly to the blue-green tinted plate armor that had belonged to his father. It would have seemed right to him, to wear the armor of his slain father while avenging Rosa's, but he was not a Dragoon yet. Certainly he could not wear the garb of a Royal Guard - not only was it ineffective, it was flashy, and might give away his position before he chose to reveal it. Likewise, his own set of chainmail would be too loud for stealth. He would go unarmored, he decided. It might be unsafe, but when dealing with ninjas, he would likely need the extra mobility.

His grey cloak was the heaviest protection he wore as he left the castle. It would be easier to backtrack to the ambush site than he'd expected, he saw instantly - the ground was soft from the recent damp weather, and the south patrol had trampled the dirt well as they'd dragged their fallen and wounded on the makeshift litters.

As he moved silently through the forest, the initial outrage he'd felt began to dissipate, and fear and doubt tried to spring up in its place. Kain denied them time and again. _These are trained assassins, and I'm only a boy. But a boy who can fight better than anyone else in Baron. And if I die? At least I will die honorably, fighting to..._

The thought kept his determination from faltering, his steps from slowing. If he killed these men, she would love him.

He was able to make good time, and found the site of the ambush after only twenty minutes or so. The dirt was churned up all over the small clearing where men had struggled, and blood stained the ground where they had died. Kain, who had been hunting and tracking since he was a child, found it easy to read the impressions of bodies left in the dirt and crushed grass. It was almost as simple to discern the direction in which they had been dragged away after the ninjas had returned for their fallen companions.

However, the trail stopped abruptly at the edge of the clearing, as if the ninjas had suddenly vanished. Supposedly the Eblani ninjas could perform some magical arts, but if they had that power, they certainly would have used it when they first saw that they were overwhelmed. Kain stared at the perfectly smooth ground, bewildered, until a sudden realization made him smile in satisfaction.

The ground was _perfectly_ smooth. There were no animal tracks, no ridges where a bush's branches had brushed the ground in a gust of wind, no marks whatsoever. Kain nearly laughed out loud as he set out along the path they'd left behind. That tactic might have worked on the open plains of Eblan's territory, but not in the midst of an overgrown forest.

Kain took extra care once he was out of sight of the clearing, moving from behind one tree to the safety of a bush, moving only when the wind blew to cover any noises or motions. Despite his caution, Kain was consumed with an intoxicating feeling of excitement and hatred at the thought of impending battle, and he wished with all his heart that he could afford to move faster. Once he caught up with them, he would exact revenge, and Rosa would be his, forever.

After a few minutes of following the path, the tracks suddenly reappeared. Apparently the ninjas had thought that no one would have been able to track them that far, and had given up the subterfuge. From the looks of the tracks, Kain estimated that they'd made that decision only ten minutes or so ago or less.  
Knowing how far ahead of him they were allowed Kain to abandon his caution for the time being, and he picked up the pace considerably until he was so close that he could hear them moving through the brush ahead. He smiled as he advanced slowly from behind, catching his first glimpse of their dark veils from behind a tree. Soon he was close enough that he could see all four of them, each carrying one of the bodies over his shoulders.

Kain took a deep breath, drawing in the cold air as if to savor it. His first battle was at hand; all his training had been building up to this moment. His heart pounded not with fear, but with exultation as he rose from his hiding place among the underbrush and drove his spear through the back of the ninja closest to him. "For Baron!"

The other three immediately dropped their burdens at the sound of his voice, and had their weapons in hand before their companion had fallen. Kain yanked his spear free just in time to block the sword of the first to reach him, and swung it to the side immediately to block the second. For a split second, Kain was startled to see the red blood smeared over the head of his spear, but he paid it no attention as he blocked another blow.

The other ninja was holding back from the battle. Probably armed with those throwing stars of theirs, Kain thought, and maneuvered so that one of the other ninjas stood between them. The other attacker appeared to see that as an opportunity to circle around behind him, but Kain swiveled as he had hundreds of times in practice, using the haft of his spear to sweep the overconfident ninja's feet out from under him. As luck would have it, when he swung his spear back up to block the other ninja's sword, the movement put him in the perfect position to strike downwards with a swift, forceful thrust. The ninja on the ground gasped painfully as the butt of Kain's spear crushed his throat.

The sound made Kain cringe, but he had no time to dwell on it as he traded blows with his opponent. Between thrusts and parries, Kain noticed that the remaining ninja had vanished. That could be good - if the last had run off, all he'd have to do was beat this one man, then chase the other down. But then again, he might be lurking somewhere nearby, waiting for the opportunity to toss one of those stars in Kain's direction.

Almost immediately following that realization, Kain sensed motion behind him, and instinctively ducked. Fire rushed over his head, engulfing a nearby bush. The fallen autumn leaves ignited, burning quickly, and Kain was forced to throw himself to the ground to escape another blast. The first ninja's sword rushed down at him and caught his right side as he tried to roll out of the way.

Caught up in the fight as he was, Kain barely acknowledged the blow as he rolled to his knees and glanced up. There was a sturdy-looking branch about ten feet overhead - perfect. He leapt into the air, landing squarely on the limb. A perfect place to pause and get a better perspective.

He was beginning to think he'd just gotten lucky with the first two. The one he'd been trading blows with was trained remarkably well, and the other had the advantage of magic. Even as the thought entered his mind, another blast of flames caused him to leap for another, higher branch. Unfortunately, he couldn't hide among the leaves. Every time he moved, more fluttered down and gave away his position.

His enemy below continued sending fire up at him, and Kain continued to leap from branch to branch. Suddenly he got an idea. He broke a smaller limb off the one he stood on, and hurled it as hard as he could in the direction he'd have jumped next, knocking leaves off the next tree over. As he'd predicted, the flames shot up towards that tree, giving him the opportunity to jump down from his perch, driving his spear down into the magic-user's back. The man cried out in pain and fell.

That left him with only one remaining opponent, the swordsman. It might be a tough fight, Kain acknowledged, jerking his spear back to a ready position. Or at least he tried - his heart skipped a beat as he discovered that his weapon had lodged in the magic-user's shoulder and was stuck. The ninja was an even match for him when both were armed, so how could he possibly win with no weapon?

His opponent grinned, realizing the same, and lunged at Kain. Kain dodged, cursing as he left his spear out of reach, but the ninja's sword only caught his cloak as it swirled behind him. That gave him an idea, and he gathered the fabric between his hands. As the ninja slashed at him again, Kain caught the sword in the fabric. Entangling the sword in his cloak, he grasped the blade and yanked roughly.

His opponent was caught off guard, and the sword slipped from his hands. Kain shook it free into his own hand and grinned back at the astonished ninja. "For Baron, and the honor of the south patrol!" he cried, driving the blade directly into the man's chest.

The man's eyes widened in pain, then went strangely dull. Kain's task was complete, he realized as the lifeless body slid from the blade. He laughed, dropping the sword. Vengeance had been exacted at his hands, and it felt wonderful. "For Rosa!" He shouted to the world.

* * *

 

Kain stood there for a few minutes, staring down at the fallen bodies of his enemies, utterly elated. He'd done it. His first real battle, alone against multiple trained assassins, and he'd won. Every move they had, he evaded. Every tactic they employed, he outstrategized. The excitement of genuine mortal battle had thrilled him, and the victory even more so.

The thrill couldn't last forever, though, and as it faded, a burst of pain in his side made him double over. He'd completely forgotten he'd been wounded, and looked down to see blood soaking through his shirt. It was only a moderate wound, but he needed to get back to the castle immediately for healing.

As he wrenched his spear free from its place in the magic-user's shoulder, a gust of wind made him shiver. His cloak had been nearly shredded when he'd used it to catch the sword, and was of little use now, except for cleaning the blood off his spear. After doing so, he tied the torn cloth around a low branch, a flag to mark the spot for those who would come later to confirm his kill.

He had to take something back as evidence, though. The ninjas' swords and sheaths would do nicely, he decided; it might have been possible to steal the swords somehow without killing them, but it was unlikely he could have stolen the sheaths too. That should be proof enough.

The walk back to town seemed to be substantially longer than his journey into the forest, and Kain felt himself weakening. He'd only gotten an hour of sleep before he'd been awakened by the south patrol's return, and now the cold wind was chilling him, making his teeth chatter. His blood had thoroughly soaked his shirt now, and he was beginning to feel light-headed.

The fatigue, blood loss, and exposure were so severe that they suddenly made him want to lie down and let death claim him. His task was complete, he thought through a haze of pain and weariness. What more did he have to live for? Rosa's father had been avenged...

The thought of her suddenly made the weariness seem small and petty. He was returning to Rosa, and she would thank him... she would love him. All this pain, and more besides, would be worth it when she kissed him. Kain kept walking.

After what seemed like hours, he stumbled out of the woods, holding the four swords in his left hand and clutching the wound in his side with the right. He could see the buildings of the town now, and Castle Baron's towers jutting into the sky just beyond.

As he approached the town, a man wearing the uniform of the town guard rushed forward to aid him, offering an arm to lean on as he made his way to the castle for healing, but Kain shook his head. "You go first," he told the man. "Tell them the south patrol has been avenged."

The man's eyes widened as they fell on the swords Kain carried. "You mean...? You...?"

"Yes, but I have something more I must do." Kain pushed the guard away from him roughly. "Go!"

Fortunately, the guard did as he was told. Kain was growing more disoriented from the blood loss, and wasn't sure how much longer he could stay upright, but he was determined to see Rosa immediately. And he certainly wouldn't do so while leaning on the arm of a guard for support.

The few people outside their homes gaped at the sight of the wounded young man, but he ignored them, focusing on his destination. When he reached Rosa's house, he didn't bother knocking, and just pushed the door open. "Rosa!" he called, his voice harsh from the pain. "I did it, Rosa. They're dead!"

He waited, eyes closed in exhaustion, for the sound of her footsteps, for her sweet voice, but heard nothing. "Rosa?" he called again. And again, there was only silence.

He steadied himself on the doorknob, trying to get his hazy thoughts together enough to think it through. She had been with Cecil earlier, so they must have gone somewhere together. Probably to that spot by the stream that she loved so much. Kain closed the door, and noticed as he did so that he'd gotten blood on the handle. Rosa's mother wouldn't be pleased, but he was beginning to see spots. He had to find Rosa before he lost consciousness altogether - and once they knew what he'd done, Rosa and her mother would likely forgive him.

Why did Cecil have to be with her, he thought bitterly as he staggered along the footpath to the bushes by the stream. Rosa would love him now, it was going to be the best moment of his life, but Cecil would be there. Cecil would be watching as they embraced for the first time, kissed for the first time... Cecil had already won nearly everything else Kain wanted - couldn't Kain have one fine moment that was his alone?

Just as he'd expected, he saw two black boots and a pair of soft leather slippers where two people were sitting among the bushes. Sitting very close together, he noted, but no matter. Soon, she would be his... as soon as he made his way around the bushes to tell her...

What he saw when he got there surprised him so that he couldn't even think, much less speak.

Her long pale hair curled around the black-sleeved arms holding her tightly, and blended into his silver hair. She had her arms around his neck, and her eyes were closed as she leaned into his kiss.  
 __

 _This can't be happening. I killed those men... it was me. Not him._

Though Kain, lost in his own dazed thoughts, barely noticed that he'd dropped the ninjas' swords, the sudden noise startled the two in the bushes, and they turned to look. "Kain!" Rosa exclaimed, still holding Cecil.

Cecil simply stared at him in amazement. "You did it?" he asked incredulously. "That's... unbelievable!"

"Oh, you're wounded!" Rosa cried, letting go of Cecil and rising to meet him. "And you did it for my Papa..."

Kain still couldn't speak. After all he'd gone through for her sake, to come home and see this... His vision blurred, and he gave into his fatigue and weakness.

As he fell to the ground, he could hear Rosa's cry of concern, and dimly saw Cecil rushing to catch him. He ignored them, and simply accepted the oblivion gratefully.

* * *

 

The next thing Kain sensed, hours later, was someone holding his hand. Rosa, he thought dreamily. Rosa loved him now, because he'd avenged her father... Rosa was holding his hand.

Gradually he began to sense other things around him - lowered voices, the smell of burning torches, and the feel of something warm and soft around him. Then, with a start, he realized that the hand holding his was larger than hers, and the grip firmer. Forcing his eyes to open, he recognized his own quarters in the castle. He could hear Rosa's voice somewhere, but when he turned his head, it was Cecil who sat in a chair beside his bed, looking off towards the sound of her voice.

The memories returned to him, and he pulled his hand away, feeling a sudden surge of anger. The movement caught Cecil's attention, and he looked back at Kain, smiling. "You're awake - good. We were all worried."

"He's awake? Oh, Kain!" Rosa's voice cried, and she rushed over to his bedside. Slipping her arms around him carefully, she hugged him tightly. "Thank you so much for what you did - you nearly got killed for my father's sake!"

As she pulled back, Cecil put an arm around her waist, and the two of them smiled at each other before turning back to Kain. "Yes, I... I don't even know what to say," Cecil told him. "I was certain you'd either come to your senses and return, or be killed."

Kain turned his face against the wall, unable to bear the sight of them. "I wish I had died," he whispered. It would have been much better than returning to find her in Cecil's embrace.

"It'll pass," another voice spoke up, and they all turned to see Baigan standing in the doorway. "With some young men," the Captain explained, "the thrill of battle makes them feel more alive than anything else in the world. Even more so than - if you'll excuse me," he said with a slightly apologetic shrug to Rosa, "than the love of a woman, in fact. When the fight is won, and that euphoria vanishes, they often fall into a temporary depression. It will be gone soon, Kain, and I promise you, you will feel more of that euphoria in the years to come." Baigan smiled a charming smile. "Mind if I come in?"

Kain shook his head. Baigan didn't understand at all, and Kain didn't particularly feel like listening to his congratulations at the moment, but the sooner this was all over with, the sooner they would all leave him alone.

"Cecil, Rosa," Baigan nodded, acknowledging them as he entered. "I'm sorry to hear about your father, Rosa. He was a good man, we'll miss his presence."

"Thank you, Captain," Rosa murmured, her eyes downcast.

"It's good that he and the others were so swiftly avenged," Baigan continued, addressing Kain. "You did a remarkable thing - and a very dangerous thing. You had no one's permission to do this alone, or even at all."

"Sorry," Kain muttered. And that was the truth - if he hadn't gone out into the woods, if he'd stayed with Rosa... then maybe...

"I'm glad to see you can admit to acting out of line," Baigan noted. "It shows you have discipline as well as bravery, and makes me feel far more confident about the king's decision." Kain looked at him curiously, as Baigan sat down in the chair Cecil had occupied. "You see, when he heard about your deed, he requested I come and speak to you again on this matter. You and I both know that the Royal Guard, despite being a prestigous position, is largely pointless. The king and I agreed that your obvious skill is wasted here when you could be on the forefront, fighting for Baron. We're willing to overlook this breach of protocol, if you would join Cecil in training for the Dark Knights."  
 __

 _Not this again..._ Kain sighed, turning his face to the wall once more. As if it wasn't bad enough that Rosa was lost to him, the king and Baigan were resorting to offering incentives just to get him to give up his dream? "I'm sorry," he told the Captain, "but no. I will become a Dragoon someday... and I would not run away from the consequences of my actions either," he added. "Do with me whatever you think is appropriate."

"Hmm." Baigan paused. "Then... I guess I have no other choice." Kain turned back to him emotionlessly, waiting to hear what his punishment would be, but Baigan smiled. "Kain, when you've recovered, report to Davan Skie."

"Davan... Skie...?" Kain repeated in disbelief. Skie was the officer in charge of new admissions for the Dragoons. "You mean..."

Baigan nodded. "Skill such as yours is rare, and during this time of war, we must make use of it in whatever way we can, protocol or no protocol. Your formal induction will be in two weeks time, but as of this moment, you are Dragoon Kain Highwind."

Kain stared at him, scarcely remembering how to breathe. Of all the things he'd expected, this possibility had never entered his mind. "Th... thank you," he managed to say.

"I'm glad to be the one to tell you," Baigan said, standing. "I'll leave you to rest and recuperate now, if that's all right. I suppose this means I'm not your captain anymore," he added with a shrug. "You will be missed, but I know you'll make the Dragoons proud."

Kain nodded as Baigan left, unwilling to speak. His emotions were a baffling mix of pride, triumph, frustration, and depression now, and he had no idea what he would say if he opened his mouth. Especially when Cecil returned to his place by Kain's bed, grinning widely. "Congratulations!" he exclaimed. "Dragoon Kain... this is incredible!"

Rosa had tears in her eyes as she knelt at Kain's bedside. "It is," she agreed. "I'm sorry I can't be happier for you now... but after what happened today..." She wiped her eyes with her sleeve, trying to smile at him, and Kain's heart hurt. _She's so good, so unselfish and sweet..._ "What you did for me was wonderful," she continued tearfully, "and I'm so glad that something came out of it for you too - I could never have done enough to show you how grateful I am."  
 __

 _You could have,_ he thought. _You could have, but now you won't._ Still, he'd at least made her happy... that was worth it, wasn't it? It infuriated him that he wasn't sure.

Cecil reached a hand towards her, touching her hair gently, and she glanced back at him as he smiled comfortingly. Kain closed his eyes against the sight. _It's just not fair..._

"Kain?" Cecil said hesitantly. "You don't look so good. Should I go get one of the white wizards again?"

Kain just shook his head, his eyes still closed. "I... just need some time alone," he muttered.

"Are you sure?" Cecil asked. "I know a lot has happened today, you must have a lot to think about, but we're your friends. We'd like to-"

"Cecil," Rosa spoke up reluctantly, "maybe he really _does_ just need some time alone. He's not just like you are... Come on, he should be resting anyway."

His eyes were still closed as the two of them said goodbye, and he heard their footsteps as they approached the door. Rosa's paused for a moment, and Kain could picture her in his mind without his eyes to tell him she was smiling at him. "Thank you again," she said softly.

"Thank you too," he replied. She was so wonderful... She understood his need to be alone, something no one else had ever done. Or was it just that she was more interested in spending time alone with Cecil than she was concerned about him, he wondered with sudden bitterness.

When they'd gone, Kain opened his eyes again, and they fell on his father's suit of plate mail standing in the corner - his armor now, he realized. His head spun as he sat up, and he waited a moment before he attempted to stand up.

The torchlight gleamed on the polished armor, glinting off the winged helmet as Kain ran his fingers over the smooth metal. It should have been the happiest day of his life, he knew that, but he couldn't help but be painfully aware that it could have been twice as happy in only Cecil hadn't...

Kain sunk to his knees, making a sound that could have been either a laugh or a sob. Maybe it was both, he thought as he stared up at the plate armor. "Father..." he whispered. "How can I be worthy of your armor, of the Dragoons, when I... I can't even be happy now? When this... tears me apart?"

Lowering his head, his father's words came to him again. _"Being a Dragoon isn't all glory and shining armor - it means you have to be hard, tough... sometimes it means you have to see and do things you hate with all your heart, and never let on how it eats you up inside."_

Kain swallowed hard, wiping his eyes to rid them of the tears. _There will be no more,_ he vowed silently.

* * *

 

Two weeks later, Kain advanced before the king's throne in his father's armor, preceded by six men in winged helmets similar to the one he held in his hands, but silver and without the lacquered detailing that adorned his. They parted as he came, three to each side, and raised tasseled spears to form a walkway, a symbolic gesture of the passage from mere fighter to the advanced position of Dragon Knight. Their faces were solemn when he passed them, as was his own, but he knew what lay beneath. For all their stern expressions now, these men had welcomed him into their group despite his age as the Royal Guard had not. Never mind that he came to them younger than anyone else ever had, he was worthy to be called Dragoon in the eyes of the king, and so he was a Dragoon in their eyes as well.

It would have made him the happiest person alive, except for two of the people watching from the side. There was a large turnout - no one had been inducted into the Dragoons for a year or so - but despite the crowd, his eyes found them easily. Golden hair and silver hair beside each other, deep blue eyes and bright green eyes, fixed on him. And still, they clasped each others' hands.  
 __

 _"You can never, ever, disgrace your fellows by showing vulnerability,"_ his father's words reminded him, and Kain averted his eyes. This was his moment, and they wouldn't spoil it.

"Kain Highwind, son of Aron Highwind," the king intoned, "you have been found worthy in the sight of the kingdom to ascend to the rank of Dragon Knight. You have been chosen to carry the spear, to wear the armor befitting this advanced station. Do you vow, as your father did before you, to behave honorably both in battle and out, armored and unarmored, in keeping with the good name of the Dragoons?"

"I so vow," Kain answered. The words of the ceremony were written for him, and not for the first time he wondered if he truly could live up to that image of perfection. He would, or he would die trying - that was what his vow truly meant.

Kain knelt at the foot of the steps that led up to the throne, and the king stood as one of the guard handed him another of the tasseled spears. The king moved to stand before him, and held the spear above Kain's head, so that the tassels fell down around his head. "Then, Kain Highwind, take up this spear."

Another ceremonial gesture; Kain had his own spears, and this one was merely decorative. And as the ceremony dictated, the king took the helmet from Kain's hands as he gave over the spear. "I grant you this rank, with faith that you are worthy," he said, placing the helmet upon Kain's head. _But I'm not worthy,_ Kain thought to himself with a sigh, feeling his heart grow as heavy as the helmet was. _Not yet..._

"Rise now, Dragoon Kain Highwind," the king commanded, and Kain did so. "Go forth, and defend Baron from all injustices."

Kain turned to face the crowd, and saw himself reflected in one of the large shields that the other Dragoons held. The armor was slightly large on him, but he couldn't help but feel proud at the sight of the helmet on his head. The memory of his father returned, and with it his words. _"You can't be a Dragoon just by wearing the armor; to be a true Dragoon, you must have honor and discipline. That is the heart of a Dragoon."_

And in the shield of another Dragoon, he could make out Cecil and Rosa among the crowds, their reflections faint. Cecil had leaned his head towards Rosa's, and she kissed him on the cheek. The sight turned Kain's pride to shame. _As father said, it's what's in the heart that makes a Dragoon, and mine is filled with bitterness._

"Someday, father," Kain whispered as the ceremony ended and he left the throne room amid the sound of trumpet fanfares. "Someday, I will have the heart of a Dragoon."


End file.
